Thursday, September 24, 2015

The most stressful cruise we might take.

Go ahead, they said.
Plan your cruise, they said,
Just get trip insurance, they said.
Relax, they said.
You deserve it, they said.
You need the breather, they said.

Remember in January, when I posted the craziness of living day to day, hour by hour... now we're down to minute by minute. My life has been a handful of  "1% chances". We leave for our cruise TONIGHT. And got a profile request yesterday. *Gulp* as I open the email.

Backing up....

It's an email we've somewhat seen before and ended up saying "no" to our profile being shown. I text Kirk that we have an email and anticipate the same response. God's been working on us over the last year on how open we should be and what 'we' can handle. Kirk text back and after conversations and prayer, we say "yes" to have our profile shown.

There are a few things that immediately stick out as God, if this ends up being our child. And my prayer becomes, "You have got to be kidding me right now, really?"

Scenarios and questions are starting to play out in my head. We had to reply by 3:30pm today, but she didn't tell us when the mom might be looking at the profiles.

The baby (sex known, but will keep quiet) was born September 20, 2015. Kirk's brother's (you know his story) and our nephew's (brother's son) birthdays. A well as his parents' anniversary.

Kirk has been saying that he has felt we were to end up with a baby saved from abortion. I'd tell him that all babies born have been saved by abortion. But this profile is the first one to specifically say something about abortion.

With our yearly homestudy renewal coming up and us starting to fill out more paperwork, I've been down and out with our "timeline" and if adoption will even happen. I'm always hopeful in Christ, but also a realist and know His will be done. I feel Him with me, but things have been quiet. Just waiting, out of my control. I don't want to give up, I don't want disappointment. I told someone last week that if we don't have a child, we're going to have to get a dog... because we keep telling the kids, "adopting a child comes before getting a dog, don't you want a baby more than a dog?" And with starting our new paperwork, I said, "this is it". We don't' want to give God an ultimatum or timeline, but "You have a year". I've just started to come to the end of the road feeling.

I haven't told many people about my "hair cut plans". January, I mentally said to myself "I'm going to wait till we adopt to cut my hair." The summer came and it was long enough to donate but Kirk's high school reunion was coming, so I said, "after that". Sept 21st I set up an appointment for the chop for today Sept 24. I've given up, I can only hold out so long. And now this... "for real?"

I called our adoption case worker this morning for questions. Questions she need to ask someone else. And questions we might not have the answers to till tonight at the end of the work day. Or tomorrow.She is supposed to call me back this afternoon. The mom will start seeing profiles at 4:30.

I don't know if the mom will take hours, a day, or the weekend to look over profiles. If the weekend, then I can at least relax a little on the boat. If we know before we leave that we aren't chosen, then there will be disappointment but we won't be in limbo. If chosen, she wants to meet the family. Will they want to meet ASAP, or can we wait till Tuesday when we could be back? If we know we've been chosen before the ship leaves, can I really step on to that boat knowing my child is back at home? And if we are expecting to find something out while on the ship, we get to pay $20 a day for internet (which will be worth it, but it won't be relaxing checking for emails.)

This is where we are. I'm packing bags, nervously waiting to cancel at least part of our trip, if not more. The first time for the kids on a plane, the first time for us on a cruise, the first time they go out of the country. And we are down to the wire. I'm in cruise mode, ready to just to mommy of a new born mode in 2.5 seconds. The list for the cruise could become a list of things we need from the baby store and a list of  things we could talk about with the mom, a list of attorney questions....

But Kirk said he's not worried. *insert sideways dog head tilt*

I'm learning to talk to Drew in football terms... do I fake left and toss right or just run with it up the middle?

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