Sunday, August 25, 2013

We're hoping to adopt! Pt 2

Part 2: How adoption started with our family

March 17-

After our miscarriage, I wrote a friend, saying the above, about the my old blog becoming a book... I didn't know what God was planning, I knew something great was coming! 

In the middle of May 2013, God started laying adoption on my heart. I kept quiet a little while. I was sifting through "Why do we need to adopt? I can have my 'own' kids." and making sure I wasn't making this up in my own head, just because I wanted another child. 'Own' kids.... takes me back to my first post about Kendall. Our children are not our 'own', but God's given to us as gifts, no matter how they come into our lives. These clips of Rev. Run reminded me we don't make our 'own' babies.

Many people would be asking if we needed another child? After a loss of an infant, many if not most parents try for another. They call these babies 'rainbow babies'. The beauty of a rainbow after a storm. Having another child doesn't replace the one lost, it doesn't hide or change emotions, but it does help the healing process. To hold another one of your healthy children in your arms and to feel that in some way, there was a purpose in it all. Not ending your childbearing in a gut wrenching experience, but one of beauty again. 

My mom would later ask if I was scared to try again- no... this isn't about what I wanted for my life anymore. That would have ended with Kendall being a healthy baby, or not miscarrying. This is about what God wants for our lives... and I can't say that without being excited!

After some more of God's coaching, I spoke with a couple of friends, just to have some prayer. I knew since adoption wasn't on Kirk's radar, that it wasn't going to be easy to bring up. I didn't want to feel like I was forcing him into anything as well. And since Kirk's brother passing away was an answer to a prayer for God to speak to Kirk before I had to tell him about dropping our 10 year anniversary trip to Hawaii next year for a mission trip, I wasn't about to ask God to tell Kirk before me again. I learned to fear the Lord.

Two more weeks passed, and there was a chance in casual conversation in a car ride that I could tell him God was starting to put this on my heart. It was a quick conversation.

Little bit longer and mid June we were watching a show we like to DVR and watch together. I was sitting on the Lay-Z-boy and he was laying on the couch. I had my laptop in my lap. The show had took a turn for adoption in the plot and I started getting emotional. Kirk asked me what I was reading on my laptop, not thinking it had anything to do with the show. For a couple of days, I brushed off questions about why I couldn't sleep well that night. I was debating telling him or not. There hasn't been very much in our 9 year marriage that we disagreed on anything and I didn't want to put that strain on our marriage. We'd been through enough. 
 God came back to me and very clearly said, "There's nothing to be afraid of, I've got this covered." I decided to start the conversation in an email. I could get all my thoughts out and not be interrupted, get off track, or cry through the whole thing. Kirk was on our other computer at the time, so I knew he'd read it right away. Then we spoke in person for a while before bed on June 22.

Not more than twelve hours later, one of our ministers at the church had all the adoptive families up on stage. Kirk and I didn't exchange glances. I just kept praying. After our small group met the next hour, Kirk asked a friend to have lunch with him during the week for some Godly, male conversation. And I prayed. I started feeling excited. I knew after the year we'd had that I was hearing God clearly. And I knew that if we follow the road He has for us, and if God wanted us to adopt, we would. And I waited.

Scared and excited all in one. I knew the same feelings when we started KKF. Something I never planned on doing or knew how to do, but following God's direction puts a huge smile on my face because I can feel Him smiling back! 
I will admit that I was avoiding the Bible at this time. I knew there are specific verses that tell us to care for orphans. And I didn't want have those just to "throw" out at Kirk while in our discussions. I also felt God more through prayer at this point. While I waited and prayed I did a little research and came across these videos of singer Mark Schultz:

After watching this video, I cry. I, like Mark who is adopted, had viewed adoption in the past as irresponsible people, giving up on their children. But now to be able to relate to having to give over a beautiful child and starting The Kendall Keepsake Foundation to encourage women to carry to term, no matter the situation... I have a new respect and love for these families. 

GOD WAS CHANGING OUR HEARTS! And it wouldn't have happened without this past 2 years playing out through the tears the way it did. And the song Jesus, Friend of Sinners lyrics of "break our hearts for what breaks yours" keeps ringing true. I advise caution to anyone who really sings this with all their hearts, b/c heartbreak hurts. But you can't be healed without being hurt.

Other daily events that God spoke to me through included:
June 27- I was in thought listening to a random song on the radio hoping for it to speak to me about adoption. To remind me the path God put before me. But this current song wasn't it. I looked down at the artist and BAM-- Mark Schultz on radio. Thank you, just what I needed!
July8- Kirk cut a friend's yard who was recovering from surgery and adoption came up in random conversation
July 12- God laid Isaiah 49 (specifically vs 21-22) on my heart- Bereaved parent given more children from God, asking "who bore these children?" God told him 'other nations'... like they would be adopted as his own. 
August 8- Listening to a song I'd heard a million times and finally understand the lyrics! 

August 22- 
During all this rainy Summer, I drive watching the clouds hoping to see rainbows that remind me of Kendall and so much more. And after watching The Bible (the series on TV last Winter) I struggle with being able to ask, in Jesus' name, for things and having the 100% faith that those things would actually happen. Through everything we've been though I've learned so much about surrender. But my logical mind gets in the way sometimes. If I asked... yes, He could do it, but would He? Does He only do it for important things? On what scale of importance does it have to be? We all know God loves to teach people patience with His timing. 

Driving back home, looking for rainbows, I literally tried asking for a rainbow in Jesus' name. Not that I saw one, but it was more about giving God ALL of me, without doubt. I didn't have to see one. Kristen asked what I was doing as I leaned over my steering wheel looking at the clouds. Could you truly do that? That's how bad I wanted it.

That night we miraculously got the kids in bed at 7pm. And Kirk started a conversation. My "rainbow" was coming!! Later he'd admit that adoption had been on his mind every second of every day. And he'd also tell me that he was trying to find a reason not to adopt.  And he said, "there wasn't one." AMEN! Kirk said, "lets do it!"

We're currently signed up for an information meeting with Bethany Christian Services to find out our next steps. 

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