Saturday, February 7, 2015

Looking For Me

The last two weeks have been low and high again. Not much has happened adoption-wise in the last two weeks up until a couple days ago. But not all our ups and down have to do with whats going on with the adoption.

Grief comes and goes when it pleases and sometimes unexpected, out of nowhere. I do know weather is a big trigger for me. Having multiple cloudy, rainy days in a row can make many people not want to get out of bed, but on top of that it spins me to emotional lows. Sometimes we expect emotional lows. Sometimes we expect certain times, like one coming up, "D-day". And sometimes that day comes and goes and we look back and say "that wasn't too bad." D-day is diagnosis day. The day I talk about as the worst day of our lives. The day a Mack truck hit us. February 16th is when we found our Kendall wouldn't live after birth.

So, from the beginning of January and the first time we showed our profile, I also started Advocare's 24 Day Challenge. This was the second time doing this "mini diet". I wasn't thinking about how the emotional roller coaster of life, adoption, and dieting would all crash together. At one point towards the end of the 24 days, I stepped on the scale and it said I had gained four pounds! Some people fluctuate here and there, but going up was NOT an option! I hadn't seen those numbers in a while and I was not happy. Meanwhile, I knew my BFF of 19 years was going to call and ask how the challenge was going.  The truth was I did still lost an inch in the waist. I stayed off the scale for a week.

Now I know some people will read this and roll their eyes at last paragraph, but the truth is my body image in very closely associated with the grief of Kendall. Many of my friends now didn't know me more than 3 years ago, much less before all babies. We all know after a baby, most bodies don't go back exactly where they were pre-baby. Post three c-sections is probably worse. Although I know a friend who it didn't effect (yes you...). Right after Kendall, I wasn't ready to lose all the weight because we planned on trying again, and did, and got pregnant, miscarried..... I wasn't sure where we'd be until later, and wasn't ready to lose all the extra weight. People started to know me the way they saw me, but the way I saw myself wasn't what was in my head. I'll come back to this subject....

On top of adoption, grief, body issues, and having a lack of control over my future... I still try to plan as much as possible for our future as I can. I pre-registered Drew for Kindergarten next year. Only to find out during that down week, that there is a bill that could be passed that changes the birthday cut off for entering school and effects whether Drew will be able to go. So that's in limbo. And a couple days before that, Kirk and I were talking about me maybe getting a small/ part-time job, as Drew would be in school full time and if we hadn't adopted yet.

So we have adoption, grief, body issues, school issues, job? Could anything else be thrown my way? I'm also in the middle of trying to find a good time to switch Kristen's gymnastics to, since she is moving up a class level. We were told our BFG leader was going to teach middle school next year (which is wonderful... not calling you out or trying to make you feel guilty, just came at a bad moment for me) and our adoption case worker emailed us to say our case would be handled by a new lady in the office. Someone who doesn't know us from Adam, except what she had been told and through our paperwork. I wanted to crawl under a rock, I think I cried every day for a week. Those were little things, but it all added up. Nothing seemed to be normal. And I need stability.

It was the first time in three years that I really wondered if I need to talk to a professional. I have a pride issue when it comes to me getting help. I have a lot of respect for people who seek Stephen Ministry at church. Being a Stephen Minister myself, doesn't excuse me for sometimes needing one for myself. But between blogging, talking to Kirk and analyzing myself, asking myself all the questions I would to someone else, and praying, God puts all my cracked pieces back together.

Adding something to my plate this week was actually a good thing. For a couple days I didn't have anything besides house work that really had to get done and I was in la la land. Being creative helps me, and we had a bookfair meeting. I decorate the halls at the school. Something on a short term scale I could quickly fit in and keep my mind busy. Yea, I had a small purpose.

My week was turning around, the whether was turning around, and we got an email from our new caseworker about a possible match and now are waiting a few more days for the mom to look at profiles. I had a couple friends who probably have only seen me here and there, wearing sweatshirts, see me in a t-shirt and ask where the rest of me was. I stepped back on the scale and saw that I was not only back down to my previous weight before gaining four pounds, but I had lost an extra two. And I cried with joy, as I'm back to my pre-Kristen and drivers license weight!!!!! And I moved a belt loop!! What- What!

It's not only about the weight or my body, but it's about getting ME back. And that makes me cry. Because many people don't really know who I am. And I've lost who I am. Part of me thinks back to who I was and I know I've grown and I will never be who I was. And some of me doesn't want to be who I was. And the other part missed the good parts that have been masked with pain. It's just one part that finally gets to say "Hello old friend, I'm back!" Too bad I can't run to own arms and give myself a big hug. I know a small part of what people feel like on the Biggest Loser.

SO as this week comes and goes, no matter the outcome, it's going to be an awesome week! And if this week turns into game winning out of the park grand slam, fireworking, Ric Flair whooo-ing, Nascar donut making, MC Hammer pants wearing, happy dancing week... there is only and is always only One to thank. That's what I'm looking forward to. That's my prayer. That's the Stephanie that is still missing.

1 comment :

  1. First you are still one hot momma. Your beautiful. You are strong and I am so proud of you. I have known you since high school. Eat healthy be at peace and most of all don't let the enemy define you. God says He delights in you. So don't think any less than what He thinks.