Waiting hasn't been easy, it's a mind game. Sometimes it seems easier not to have a profile showing, but when we do it gives hope to be picked. Although, I'm 100% sure that God asked us to go this direction, not being picked has me wondering His plan for this situation. It makes me second guess certain decisions we made along the way. The adoption journey is different for every family, as there are so many ways it could be done. I'd sometime ask, "What do you want from me?" "What are we waiting on?"
Drew went to kindergarten this passed year, and the extra time is something I was dreading. I wasn't supposed to have this time. Kendall was supposed to be here. How will I fill it? Should I get a job? Would I volunteer more? I was thinking at a local pregnancy center. I didn't want to commit to something that I would have then had to pull out of if we had an adoption match. Although my heart was in the right place, I didn't go to the pregnancy center to volunteer, to then feel like I was there to scope out pregnant moms, so I put that off for the time being.
Different events happening in our lives over the past four years have built up my desire to go deeper with God, to know him better, to know the Word better, to understand the Bible more as a whole story and not the way we all grow up learning pieces that I didn't understand how they all fit together. Like what did Jonah have to do with Zacchaeus? And where were they on the grand timeline of events? I knew the stories individually, but only as I remembered them as a kid. I've made friends with other views, in which made me want to have a better solid foundation on what the Bible really teaches. We did a spiritual gifts test in which I was quite surprised my strong suit was evangelism. I'm more of a listener than a talker. So, I knew I needed to strengthen that area of my life because I didn't have that confidence. So I watched this to know how to start studying the Bible better.
Sure, I'm not ashamed of what God has been doing in our lives and not ashamed to talk about it, But that is only a part of what God was calling me to. Not loving to read or study, I started with a few Biblical questions and reading Genesis, not expecting to get an excitement to continue, reading the Old Testament in 6 months, 8 days in the gospels and less than a month to finish the New Testament. I had a pen, highlighters and post it notes, and really understood many things for the first time.
Now that I'm "done" (which has really fueled me to do it again-- it's like a good movie in which you have to watch again and again and catch something different each time), I can look back and know my time waiting has been well spent, and nothing could have been better, not even if we were matched already. Which makes me tear up and I can't decide if it's tears of joy and thankfulness or tears of frustration and pain. I choose the first, but know some of the second is what brings me to the first.
I accomplished one major goal. So now what? The question that I keep having over and over since Kendall died. It's still a daily goal just to make it through that day... whether or not we are waiting for a profile showing. But maybe now the laundry will get done. (Maybe) There have been times in which Kirk would want to ask, "Are you still reading?" He knew he couldn't. I had dinner on the table each day.. just maybe haven't had the floors cleaned or toys picked up. More doors have been opened for me to talk with the kids about the Bible. Kristen asked one day, "what are you going to do today?" and answered her own question with, "Oh yeah, what you did yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that." YES! Let your kids see your Bible open! I love having friends over to keep the kids entertained, but what else is cool is when the friends ask what I'm reading. Then come over another day and ask, "Are you still reading that?" YES!
A couple days after writing the above, I was watching this Secret Church message, which at minute 1:14:00 started to talk about the anticipation of a child being born. Everyday, when a due date of a child approaches, one lives in suspense and excitement of that child coming. When it's a biological child, this anticipation is days, maybe weeks, but it's definitely known that it would happen soon. When it comes to an adoption where the mother picks the parents and the parents feel like they will never be chosen... it feels like forever, you question whether it will happen. But like the clip says, it effects every part of our lives. Checking our email for news, waiting on phone calls, how and when we travel, telling people where we are when we're out of the state... It here is related to how we anticipate the coming of Christ. And the look on his face when he, or anyone else, talks about the love for that child that we haven't even met yet. "I lived all of my life with the constant anticipation that each day could be the day...." and "With each passing day, I knew I was getting closer and closer to seeing this person, that I could not wait to express love and affection for." Is your life a reflection of this picture for Christ? It makes the wait a lot better.... although I need constant reminders.
Don't be ashamed of your past
If you're shattered like a piece of glass
The more broke you are the more the light gets through
Show your wounds and your flaws
Show them why you still need the cross
Let them see the work He's doing in you
