While I'm Waiting

2 1/2 months

2 1/2 months is how long it took to change my outlook or attitude. We had a roller coaster January, a little in February, and it's been quiet for almost a month now. I've gotten back to a normal pace of life, settled down on excitement, and the Seasons are starting to change. We had two weeks of ice and snow a couple weeks ago, and today I'm in shorts for the first time this year, trying to relax and watch the kids play in the sun.

Then we got an email from BCS. And instead of being excited, I started to cry. I couldn't keep it together at church yesterday either. The battle of giving my heart to a child and in 24 hours all could change, is too much. So I'm trying not to "go there"'. Not to think about this child who is at the hospital without any family right now. Not to think about (his or her-- we know) black hair. Wondering who is holding and feeding (him or her), Not looking at the list of names we've picked out and wondering which one we could pick. I won't go in the nursery today or tomorrow. (Which I just got curtains for and painted canvases for the wall)

I want to be happy. For myself, for this child to find a forever family. But it's too heartbreaking to be happy. Because happy is fake.